Nothing But Balls
Sports From a Different Perspective…

Take Me Out to the Ball Game- Al and Jay go to PNC

PNC Park 1Al’s Middle Finger, Philly Fan

People sometimes take issue with the fact that baseball is often referred to as America’s pastime. I, however, find this statement to be entirely accurate. NBA commissioner David Stern summed it up best in an interview with Bill Simmons; football is America’s passion, it’s what the country cares about most. Basketball is America’s game, it’s the game the Americans can casually play. But baseball is truly America’s pastime- it’s how we spend crisp summer evenings when there’s nothing else to do.

This was exactly the case the night before myself and Jay were ready to leave for a weekend of camping (interspersed with fantasy football) and firing shotguns. Jay and our friend GrizzlyAdams picked me up from my house as I finished packing. I threw on my Michigan shirt for Jay and we headed out. Now keep in mind that the last two baseball games I’ve been to were both Red Sox games in Fenway, so I’m not exactly accustomed to watching a baseball game between two teams that I don’t care about in a beautiful venue full of relatively quiet fans who don’t really care about the outcome. But goddamnit, I was going to have fun. Here’s a running diary of the night.

7:00- A pretty girl sings the national anthem. I comment that I would “totally hit that. Over and over again.” Jay agrees. I love baseball games.

7:10- Gorzo walks his second batter of the night. The Pirates are going to lose. Boos begin to rain down.

7:23- Jay attempts to vote for yesterday’s play of the game, message fails. Would you expect the Pirates to spend the money for a system that works? No, they spent that money on Matt Morris.

7:36- I remark, to nobody in particular, that I would engage in a coital relationship with one of two females walking in the aisle adjacent to our seats. “Not the ugly one, the hot one.”

7:37- Prince’s “Guitar” comes on the PA. Make your own jokes here.

7:39- Two clearly too young girls walk by. “Mmm Mmm Jailbait.” Grizzly and Jay are either thrilled that I’m here or severely debating whether or not they should have brought me. I don’t care. Our friend ManWhore has come down and joined us and is laughing hysterically. I decide I’m a comedic genius and they’re lucky to have me here.

7:41- The four of us, myself, Jay, Grizzly and ManWhore, decide to go get wings from the Quaker Steak and Lube in PNC. It may not have the mystique or aura of Fenway Park, and it may not have fans who care about or know anything about baseball or sports in general, but they do have wings here, and they are delicious.

7:50- As I plow through the bucket-o-wings, I look down and notice the kid two rows in front of me has bought some kind of cherry ice in a cup, and has dug out a little hole in the center of the ice. The kid then lowers his tongue into the crevice and begins to furiously lick the shit out of his frozen treat. I burst into laughter. He is thrusting his tongue in and out of a elliptical pink crevice. I grab ManWhore by the shoulder and scream, “Holy fucking shit- that kid is going down on his goddamn icee!” Jay and Grizzly seem afraid to laugh because I’m very loud and we’re surrounded by families with disapproving demeanors.

8:00- Conversation reverts to Steelers, Red Sox and Steely McBeam-gate. (For the record, nobody in Pittsburgh likes Steely McBeam. This is the gayest moment in Pittsburgh sports. Ever.)

8:25- Conversation shifts to the smoking hot blond chick three rows down. She’s a fox. I want to make love explosion on her stomach. This chick is literally very very close to a perfect ten. Jay and I debate whether or not she deserves such lofty praise.

Jay- “She does have a perfect body.”

Al- “I like the face. She looks shallow.”

Jay- “I don’t know about the fake platinum blond hair though.”

Al- “No, see that’s what makes her a ten. That hair tells me that while I’m not pretty or charming enough for her to fellate me, one day my wallet may be thick enough.”

Even Jay, who’s built up a tolerance to these kind of comments, can’t hold back the laughter on that one.

8:40- The Pirates are awful. They are a poorly run team with no real talent or future. Fuck it, I’m Al and this is going to be fun. Jay, Grizzly, ManWhore and myself decide to walk around.

8:42- I see a pretty redhead who I would “fuck in half.” I realize I have never been with a redhead before. I feel deprived and as though I have lived an unfulfilled life.

8:45- We see two gay Phillies fans. I gameplan in case I get into an argument with a Philly fan. I’ll come out with “Rocky Balboa sucked” then go for the “Donovan McNabb is an injury prone pussy” and finish with “wait I live in Boston. My city wins championships.”

Gay Phillies Fans

8:51- We make it to end of the right field seats and are walking toward the bullpen when I realize ManWhore isn’t with us. I turn around and realize he is talking to a group of three girls from a nearby high school. Jay and I share a look of disgust. I walk over to them, then turn around and face Jay. I loudly announce to nobody in particular “Guys we need to leave. ManWhore is picking up strays again.” He rejoins the group. Apparently the “strays” were less than pleased with my remarks. Fuck them.

9:01- I spot a familiar name in the Phillies pen. It’s J.C. Romero, a shitty reliever the Red Sox released earlier this year.

JC Romero Looking at Girls JC Romero Staring Down AL

9:09- I scream “ROMERO!” at the top of my lungs several times in a futile attempt to get the shitty Puerto Rican reliever to turn around. “Fuckin piece of trash, thank God he’s not in Boston anymore,” I mutter to myself. Jay points out that I said that pretty loudly. The stupid PNC security guard apparently heard me. I realize there are several small children who are closer to me than the security guard and who definitely heard me.

9:11- We have two options. We can either go back to our seats and watch the rest of a shitty baseball game while the Pirates get pounded, or I can get creative.

9:12- “Hey Romero! You couldn’t hit sand if you fell off a camel! Thank God I don’t have to worry about you coming into games in Fenway.” He turns around. He also does not look pleased. “Hey it looks like a blowout, you might actually get the call tonight.” He seems determined not to acknowledge me now.

9:14- Things die down. I’ve been acknowledged and Jay, Grizzly and ManWhore are laughing. I’m satisfied.

9:15- A large group of our friends arrive. They’ve all come together and heard we were down by the bullpen. They arrive as Jay gets yelled at for sitting on Grizzly’s shoulders and taking pictures. Jay clues everyone in on my antics. They want me to antagonize the poor Puerto Rican righty more.

9:16- I oblige. “So what did we get for you? Was it like a Big Mac and a player to be named later?” In reality this would have been nice, but we released Romero and didn’t get shit for him.

9:17- Everyone is laughing. I am the center of attention. This is awesome. I love baseball games.

9:21-Romero refuses to acknowledge me know. Luckily, two bullpen sluts approach our group. To call them a “Baseball Annie” would have been an insult to Bull Durham, Susan Sarandon, Kevin Costner, the fictional Annie Duke and Anna Benson. These women were stupid whores, nothing more. My conversation with the pair goes something like this.

Slut #1-“Is this the bullpen?”

Me- “(Resisting the urge to chemically sterilize her on the spot) Hey, could you do us a favor? See that guy right there? That’s J.C. Romero. He’s a really shitty reliever that the Red Sox released and he refuses to turn around so could you like shout and get his attention?”

Slut #1- “We don’t shout.”

I don’t say anything. These whores are worthless.

Slut #2- “He’s kinda cute.”

Slut#1- “Hey there’s Shawn Chacon! I did shots with him!”

I can’t make this shit up. Romero hears the sluts and turns around and waves.

Slut#1- “Yeah he’s cute but he has a big nose”

Romero then walks to the mound as though he’s going to warm up. I shout “rally caps on boys! Romero might get the call, this isn’t over yet!”

9:30- One of our friends remarks that I should watch out because Romero is walking around with a ball in his hand. I reply loudly “That’s cool I hope he throws something at me. I couldn’t possibly feel safer.” More laughter. J.C. stares me down and then walks out of sight. The uppity security guard decides he has the authority to tell me to “shut my mouth.” I sneer in his general direction and remark with a sarcastic “OK.”

9:32- Romero emerges and talks to the Pirates bullpen coach. Both the disgruntled Puerto Rican and the Buccos coach look at me. I realize I may have to leave. The bullpen coach looks over at the security guard. Not about to leave looking like a bitch, I tell Jay and Grizzly “Drag me out of here. I’m going to pretend like I’m struggling to get to the pen, so you two have to pretend like you’re forcibly removing me.” They play along.

9:33- We are far enough away to walk. ManWhore turns around and realizes the security guard is following us. Stupidly we all turn around at the same time, then all yell at each other for looking at the same time. He is clearly following us, and by that I mean he is waddling in the same direction as us.

9:36- Jay and Grizzly stop and duck into a souvenir shop.

9:37- ManWhore and I walk up a flight of steps, turn a corner, and then sprint up two floors. We get to the top deck and look down to see him looking around. We’re safe.

10:00-We eventually all returned to our seats unscathed. As the game ended we unfortunately wasted a solid half hour of our lives with the typical retard Pittsburgh sports fan. Here are some of his bits of knowledge.

“The NFL shouldn’t suspend people for off the field issues.” He followed this statement by saying that Daryl Strawberry shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame because he beat his wife. This man may be legally retarded. Luckily I have no qualms belittling the retarded community.

“The Bengals will finish last in the AFC.”

“Mario Lemieux will come back this season man. He’s feelin it, he’ll be out there in them senior games and he’ll come back. He’s totally good for like 100 points a season man.” I want to choke the stupidity out of him. Jay and I try not to laugh.

10:30- Finally the fireworks start. Smashmouth, who could have been replaced easily by a Smashmouth cover band, if such a thing existed, is also supposed to “play.”

11:07- Random pirates MC asks if we want to hear one more song, to mixed reviews.

11:09- Smashmouth finally plays All-Star. This is the worst free concert in history.

11:45- We have left the stadium and are on the highway home. Jay has a tradition of mooning people when ever he is in a car. We decide he’ll moon the first Phillies fan he sees.

11:48- Bingo. New Jersey license plate. Jay’s supple ass cheeks make their first appearance of the night. I catch a glimpse of the Phillies fan. He is very large. Jay turns around and gives him the finger. I notice his two small children in the backseat. Thankfully we blow by the car

11:49- The Jersey car speeds up and pulls even with us. I slouch in my seat. He motions for Jay to put down his window. We are definitely going to die now. Jay, for some reason completely unbeknown to Grizzly and myself, rolls down the window. The incredibly obese middle aged Phillies fan asks Jay for directions to the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Jay proceeds to give him directions, then gives him the finger again while shouting, “oh yeah, Flyers suck.”

11:52- We decide there are two possible explanations for the Philly fan’s behavior. Jay suggests that he knew we would feel guilty and be inclined to give him directions. I maintain that mooning somebody and giving them the finger is a normal greeting in New Jersey.

12:10- We arrive at Jay’s house. I Google the national anthem singer. She is 14. I feel dirty, but still feel the need to make fun of Jay for being a perv. We fall asleep feeling like we’re gonna wake up to the sound of Chris Hanson’s voice.

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One Response to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game- Al and Jay go to PNC”

  1. good advice and sharing,I will buy one this nice jeans for me .thanks


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