NFL All Embarassment Team
This is dedicated to new commisioner Roger Goddell and his new policy of player conduct. So here is the team of the best NFL players who have been or are in trouble with the law or the League.
QB: Michael Vick (Dog Fight Kingpin): Vick’s ability to play quarterback not in question, most assuredly he is the best quarterback in the NFL to be indicted by a Federal Grand Jury. If you get a chance I highly recommend the actual Vick Indictment. It is most excellent piece of juris prudence, since Brown v. Board. Michael Vick’s skills as a passer reminds me of Bull Durham, when they are in the bar, and Crash Davis says to the hotshot young pitcher Nuke LaLoosh to hit him in the chest with a baseball. Upon his attempt he breaks a nearby window. I bet Alge Crumpler must think it should be criminal to throw a fire-knuckleball, but now that the feds nabbed him for dog fighting, Crumpler does not have to worry anymore.
RB: Ricky Williams (Pot): I love football… almost as much as I love weed. The most tragic story in NFL history of wasted talent, makes the list for his consistent suspensions and playing in Canada. In 2004, Ricky Williams was questionably the best running back in the game. Williams name routinely appeared on the top of fantasy football draft boards everywhere, coming off a 1300 yard season and over 6,000 yards in his five year career. Then, Williams claimed his heart was not in football, and he was retiring from the game. More likely, it was a failed drug test and his reluctance to give up the sticky icky. Prior to that, Ricky was considered sort of a wreck loose. He had some run-ins with the law, and his continued battle with psychological problems. Despite, the sob story he makes the cut.
FB: Moe Williams (Sex Cruise): It’s the love boat. The infamous Viking Love Boat scandal of 2005, in which many players were implicated in the ordeal. One of these was full back Moe Williams, a top goal line and short yardage back. Williams was charged with indecent conduct as well as disorderly conduct. He was found guilty on the later charge. (for more on the love boat see Bryant McKinnie and Fred Smoot)
WR: Randy Moss (Man, Fuck Crossing Guards): A good football philosophy in football is “just run ‘em over,” but in the case of driving; it is generally not a good idea. Especially when the victim is an officer of the law. When a traffic cop stood in front of Moss’s vehicle to prevent him from making an illegal turn, he managed to bump the agent a half of a block. Moss, being one of the standout good citizens of the league, is most magnified by this incident as well as his admitted use of recreational drugs, pretending to moon Lambeau field, and leaving the field before the end of a game.
WR: Chris Henry (Multiple offender): My good friend and co author Al mentioned to me one time his opinion of Henry’s appearance. “He looks an alien, he said.” After googleing his picture, I came into agreement. That along with his ability to turn it on inside the red zone, sold me of his special powers. Unfortunately for Henry, these powers also seem to get him in trouble with the law…often. Our favorite martian, managed to nabbed by police multiple times for drinking and driving, brandishing weapons, giving alcohol to minors, and them allegedly raping one of them. It looks like he is just what we are looking for.
TE: Jerramy Stevens (DUI): Some of the members of this elite squad are put on the team because of their talent, and others because of their crimes. Stevens crime was a garden variety driving under the influence offense. Therefor, his talent won him the position on this all-pro team. Stevens remains as one of the top five receiving tight ends in the NFL, even without hook up buddy Matt Hasselbeck. He did call out Joey Porter and the Steelers before Super Bowl XL, and then failed to show up on the field. The best part of the DUI, the substance in question was, you guessed it, mari-ju-auna.
OT: Bryant McKinnie (Sex Cruise): Big Sexy tackle Bryant McKinnie was one of the Vikings who was implicated in the Love Boat Scandal. Allegations include him going down on the women there as well as later being compensated all in front of the captain and crew of the boat in Lake Minnetonka. McKinnie has become one of the best run blocking lineman in the league, along with being more than formidable in passing situations. Thank goodness, he does not perform special favors for the Defensive Ends he lines up against. McKinnie was charged with indecent and disorderly conduct. The lineman pleaded guilty to both charges.
OT: Levi Jones (
Blackjack Brawl, Being a Little Bitch): While playing blackjack at the same table as former rival Steeler linebacker, Joey Porter, at the Palms in Vegas, Jones got tired of the shit talking of the Diarrhea of the mouth sufferer, and so he decided to get all up in Porter’s grill. This caused Porter to slug Jones, which he was fined for, without any retaliation from the lineman. Way to go Levi, you made this list for the opposite reasons, than it’s intention.
OG: Todd Steussie (Steroid Steed): It is sad to think that, an NFL team can be taken down by the CBS News 60 Minutes program. I guess that is not entirely fair, the Feds helped to. Dr. James Shortt was busted for producing and distributing testosterone cream to Carolina Panthers Players. The list included Steussie, as well as Center John Mitchell and Punter Todd Sauerbrun. Steussie serves as a serviceable guard and continues to make rosters, but his admitted use of steroids in a federal report puts him on this team.
OG: Ross Verba (CPA of the Year): The story of Ross Verba is possibly my favorite. Verba was arrested on felony for writing bad checks in Nevada. It appeared as if to pay off debts, the Lineman wrote the bad checks. After a night in jail, all charges were dropped and was put onto a debt reduction program. The rarity of this offense compelled me to put him on the roster and do here he is.
C: Barrett Robins (Heavy Case of “The Crazies”): Some might say, how could we put Robins on this list? After all, the guy suffers from severe depression and contemplated killing himself. Here is the thing though, he’s a Raider. Raiders do not get much love from the authors of this site. Robbins during his playing days was a fairly good center on a very good team. After being AWOL at Super Bowl XXXVII, Bipolar disorder in athletes got much play in the sports media. Hopefully everything is alright, but his waste of potential lands him on this list.
DE: Bobby McCray (Indy Driver): Sometimes you just have to race. So you play professional football and those millions of dollars have to go somewhere. Why not go out and get a shiny new sports car? A vehicle of that sort is certainly no good if it just sits in the garage every day, so you have to take it out on the road, right. Then if you have this car that can go at incredible speeds, why not go at those kinds of speeds. Now, lets say you are a very competitive person, an athlete for example, you have to race and prove your manhood. All of sudden, red and blue lights start flashing, and you of course have a controlled substance in your car, you pull over. Then you get arrested and ticketed for reckless driving. That is the story of Bobby McCray, who has stood out has began to come into his own on that stacked Jacksonville Jaguar front four, enough so he is on the team.
DE: Julius Peppers (It was Nyquil, I Swear): Ah, to be young and careless again. As a rookie, Peppers was making his mark as one of the best players in the league. Nothing could stop him, except the rookie wall. What would you do? Peppers decided to take a little pick me up performance enhancer from some shady guy he did not know. It is what all of us would do, right. I remember that he blamed it on Nyquil and cold medication, not realizing that the amount of ephedrine in those remedies are not enough to fail a drug test. The Panthers star has since learned from his mistake and he has established himself as one of the most innovative and athletic players in the league, with bucket loads of talent. So, we won’t hold it against him.
DT: Tank Johnson (Walking Arsenal,
Drunk Tipsy Driver extraordinare): The good folks at Rock Star games are in the process of designing a new game. This one is sure to fly off the shelves and into the game systems of kids everywhere. Every good game has to have a main character, and that character needs some sort of nickname. How does “Tank” sound? We want to make the guy believable, so lets give him a popular last name, like Johnson. Perfect, now we need a posse. A shady group of thugs and drug runners is necessary to sell such a story. Now the guy has to be packing, all the time, maybe someone with multiple gun offenses. Then that guy has to speed, because going the speed limit is for pussies. He cannot just speed though, he’s got to be on something, not much, but enough. Tank might not appear in Madden 2008 but due out soon, Grand Theft Auto: Defensive Tackle is glad to have Johnson aboard.
DT: Jonathan Babineaux (Alleged Dog Killer): Apparently Michael Vick is not the only Falcon, interestingly a bird known for preying on animals, involved in dog abuse. Earlier this year the Atlanta lineman was arrested and released on bail on suspicion that he was involved in injuries sustained by a dog he owned. The more things change, it seems, the more they stay the same.
OLB: Shawne Merriman (Steroid Freak): Merriman has established himself as an elite defensive player in the league. Despite the fact that he failed a NFL drug test and was suspended for four games, he has not lost his reputation. Not only did he fail the test, but reportedly for actual steroid use. After his suspension the linebacker,continued to play at an elite level, so much so, that he was still named AP defensive Player of the Year. Fans just have to look at it as it was a mistake, and the all pro has learned his lesson. As with Julius Peppers, who failed a drug test, he still can be considered one of the best in the league for a long time.
OLB: Joey Porter (Blackjack Brawl, Shot in the Ass): If anyone rightfully deserved to get shot in the Ass, now Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter is probably near the top of that list in the NFL. So, it was no surprise for me when after his alma mater’s (Colorado State) rivalry game with Colorado he was actually shot in the upper thigh. We used to have a bet in my fantasy football league, that if Shannon Sharpe and his horse head was shot when he was on your team, you win the league. That rule has since been passed on to T.O. If it were a bounty on Porter somebody actually would have won the bet. Earlier this year at the Palms Casino Porter after talking shit at Bengals lineman Levi Jones was approached by the Bengal, and then slugged him (hopefully with his ring hand). Porter remains as one of the best pass rushers in the league and also one of the biggest assholes.
MLB: Ray Lewis (Oh snap! I didn’t see nothin’!): “If those who you’re hangin’ with have been bad/ Don’t say nothin’ to make ‘em mad/You can smile/ It ain’t no crime/ You got the number one defense of all time.” This is from a Saturday Night Live Parody making fun of Disney’s refusal to let Lewis go to Disney World after being named Super Bowl MVP, even though it should have been Chris McAllister. This was because of his conviction for Obstruction of Justice involving a Murder in Atlanta. Though I believe that the all pro did not kill anyone, he does know something. Lewis is the only person on this list to be tried for murder, and he is undoubtedly one of the best at his position, so welcome to the squad.
CB: Fred Smoot (Sex Cruise): On this edition of the Vikings Love Boat scandal, we have star cornerback Fred Smoot. Smoot was once in the conversation as one of the top five corners in the game. Since then he has lost a step, and his skills have declined, but none the less he deserves to make the squad. It was reported that Smoot was the ringleader in this adventure on Lake Minnetonka arranging for prostitutes to come up from Florida and Georgia. They must have been real good. I Digress, he said he was not there, but witnesses have put him at the scene of the crime.
CB: Adam “Pac Man” Jones (Da Bidness of Terror): It started just like every other night for Pac Man and his merry men. During the NBA All Star Weekend in Vegas, Jones made a stop at a local strip club. Upon “making it rain” on an employee, the dancer went to pick up the money that she believed she earned. Pac Man had different ideas saying, “Did I say you could take the money,” and then began to strike the poor girl repeatedly. The club bouncer came in to protect the dancer, but when this happened Pac Man’s posse started a brawl and then were kicked out of the club. Later that morning, a shift manger was shot by allegedly one of Pac Man’s crew. Jones continues to be addicted to strip clubs and has been questioned by the police 10 times. The corner has scary talent, but also scary skeletons in his closet which land him on this roster.
SS: Terrance Kiel (The Pharmacist): Kiel serves as the second person this list who has been in trouble with Federal Authorities. This time however it was through the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA). Kiel reportedly was mixing cough syrup with codeine inside soft drinks. Where the real stupidity comes is when he mailed this concoction to Texas. This concoction, also known as “lean”, is stated to have a street value of about 300 dollars a bottle. Kiel serves as a fairly good safety, but as a really dumb criminal, which put him on the list.
FS: Dwight Smith (Fucking In Public): Smith is just one of the many multiple offenders to make this roster. In 2003, the Safety was arrested for pulling out a pellet gun on his friend. He found himself again in trouble with the law in 2006, with one of my favorites. He was ticketed and fined for indecent conduct with a 24 year old woman. Apparently, they found a very nice private and cozy stairwell in Minneapolis to get it on in. The ever romantic safety is a second rate starter, but the details of this crime made me chuckle, so he made the cut.